LA & Order
by Ira4
Summary: Takes place somewhere after 16X19. Nick has to make a big decision regarding his future.
1. Chapter 1

**L.A and Order**

* * *

_After the last episode I feel like I don't really care if Danny and Kelli won't be back for season 17. So I've decided to write them this spin off._

_We'll see where this goes…_

_It's all of the order without the W._

* * *

_I don't own any of the characters who appear on SVU_

* * *

"Look Nick" Cynthia said, he just dropped his son at her place and wanted to have a word with her alone "I know how you feel about this, but it's the best thing for Gil, he's going to live in a good place near his family, go to a better school, don't you want that for him?"

"I'm his family too!" he slightly raised his right arm "he's my son and of course I want the best for him, but isn't spending time with his father a part of it?" he didn't expect a response, she told him about the possibility of the two of them moving to San Diego and he's been trying to find a different solution. In the back of his mind he already knew is was useless, they were going to leave.

Not seeing his son was going to be hard for Nick, he was absent for nine years of his life and now he's not going to be there for him again. He couldn't really get used to Zara living in California and now Gil was moving there.

Maybe this was some kind of a hint from the universe?

* * *

"Nick?"

He's been staring at his computer screen, thinking about California, he never pictured himself living there, but then again, there were so many things he never though he'd do, like being arrested, or finding out he had a kid he never knew about, or having feeling towards a coworker…

"Nick?"

He turned his head to see Amanda staring at him.

"You ok? You seemed a little lost there" she asked.

"I'm fine, you need something?" how long has he been sitting there like this? It wasn't the first time he got lost in this sort of thoughts at work, not the first time he got caught either.

"We got the results from the rape kit back, they found fluids and we have a DNA match"

"That's good news, the vic said she didn't know the guy"

"Well, we know it now, his name is Anthony Taffer, he's got a gun charge" she handed him the file "and he's affiliated with a gang that's been smuggling fire arms"

"We need to get a warrant and arrest him"

"Yeah" Amanda nodded "but that's not all, the victim has also been connected to them, never been charged but looks like she lied about not knowing him"

"Wouldn't be the first time" he took a deep breath "I'll call Barba"

It started out like so many other cases, they got a call from the hospital about a possible rape victim. Amanda and Fin drove there to talk to her. She didn't have much to say, claimed she had no idea who assaulted her, she never saw his face.

After talking to Barba Nick turned to Amanda "he'll have our warrant tomorrow, so we can pick it up early and arrest him"

"Good" she gave him a little smile "I think I'm gonna call it a day, you heading out soon?"

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea" he started gathering his thing "I think I'll walk you out" he smiled.

Amanda watched him, she could tell there was something going on with him, she just had no idea what it was about. She took her bag and coat and waited for him to get up.

"You ok?" she asked when he was away from the desk.

"Yeah" he didn't even look at her when he replied, she could see it wasn't a sincere answer.

"You sure? Cause you've been off for the last few days" he didn't react but it occurred to her it could be connected to his son "this has anything to do with Gil and San Diego?"

Nick looked at her and nodded, why keep it a secret? "It's final, they're leaving"

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that"

Nick let out a puff of air "I'm sorry too"

"You can still call him, visit, it's not going to be the same but you will still have a relationship"

"But what kind of relationship?" the elevator's doors opened and they walked in "he's my son, I want to be there for him"

They were quiet until the doors opened.

"What about the other option?" she walked out of the elevator and he followed "have you considered moving there?"

"You think I should move to California?" he was surprised by her offer, did she want him to leave?

"I don't know, but if you don't want just visitations and calls…what else can you do?" she looked at him "you thought about it when Zara moved there, but you decided to stay, a part of it was because of him right?" he nodded and she continued "you have to figure out what you want to do"

She smiled and looked hesitant for a moment, Nick wasn't sure if she wanted to say something else or is she was expecting him to talk. But then she touched his shoulder, her touch was light and she didn't keep her hand there for long. Still, it felt nice.

"I'm sure you'll make the right decision" she walked to her car and turned to him before getting into the driver's sit. He gave her a quick wave and walked over to his vehicle.

Amanda may think he'll do the right thing, but he wasn't. He wanted to be with his children, but…was there even a 'but'? If his kids are in California and he wants to be with them – he has to be there too.

Nick sat down and watched as Amanda's car left the parking lot. What about her? Leaving New York would mean leaving her and any chance for anything happening between them. Even after everything that had transpired between them he knew there was still something there, but it was too complicated and he had no idea how to simplify it. Sometimes he wished they could just be somewhere else, all alone, without their jobs, without their issues. If they could only have that, even for just an hour…

An hour wouldn't be enough though.

He took a deep breath and concentrated on holding it in, breathing was as simple as it gets. Automatic, no overthinking, just inhale and exhale. Why couldn't things in his life be that easy?

He drove away and walked into his empty house. Even though he's been living alone for a long time, somehow it felt emptier now.

"Crap" Nick called into the quiet room, he wanted to punch something, throw something, do something. But it was like he had no energy for that, as if suddenly he was just so tired.

He walked straight to the bedroom, taking off only his shoes.

Looking at the ceiling he knew there was only one choice, it would be tough, but if there was one thing he wanted to be – it was a good father.

A father who's there for and with his kids, he's not going to be that more than 2000 miles away.

He had to move to California.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey everyone, first of all I just want to say that this whole Nick and Amanda leaving is just my wishful thinking. I feel like after this season and things I've heard about the next one, they won't really have any good storylines, I have no faith in the writers so yeah, I'd love it if the actors will get something better, but I'm not naïve, people need to work and SVU is a steady job. _

_Obviously, I'd love to be proved wrong._

_ I hope you like this fic whatever happens on the show._

* * *

The next day Nick got up very early, he drove to the gym and spent some time by the punching bag, pretending it would make it easier for him to accept it. There was something about hitting it, he didn't want to call it a rush, but he couldn't think of another word. It both cleared and scrambled his head, his thoughts.

He hit the bag harder and harder, his gloves were on so he knew his skin was safe. There was a buzz that brought him to back to reality, it was his phone. Amanda.

"Hey" he answered, his breathing a little heavy.

"Morning, we're heading to get the warrant today? Cause I thought you could give me a ride and we'd go arrest Taffer straight after"

"Sure, I'll take a shower and pick you up" he said.

"Let me know when you're near by"

"Will do" he looked at the punching bag and rushed to the showers.

* * *

The first thing Amanda had noticed entering Nick's car was the smell. He smelled good.

"Morning, thanks for the ride" she smiled at him, but was actually trying to prevent her smile from widening, his soap had a subtle scent, she wasn't even sure what it smelled like, but it was strongest the half hour or so after he'd bathed. He knew she liked it, she told, and showed, it to him a couple of times. But she contained the smile, that hint of excitement that was partially caused by reflex. Amanda knew he wasn't even thinking about it now, not with everything else that's been on his mind.

And still, she took a deep breath, letting that smell and everything that was connected to it fill her.

"Of course" he nodded "should have offered it last night. We need to arrest him and close this case quickly"

"We could use it, ha?" lately it seemed like every case they've worked on turned into something else, something complicated.

He chuckled in agreement and drove away.

* * *

"Anthony Taffer, NYPD" Nick knocked on the door, they've been trying for a while now, no answer.

"You think he's an early bird?" she checked the time.

"I don't really know the gun business schedule" he knocked again.

"Let's try the neighbors" Amanda turned around "maybe they're nosy"

"That's the best sort of neighbors" he joked.

"Only when they're not yours" she smiled and walked to a nearby apartment.

Amanda knocked and it didn't take long for it to open "yes?" a woman asked.

"I'm detective Rollins, this is detective Amaro from the NYPD" they raised their badges "can we ask you a few questions?"

The woman opened the door but didn't let them walk inside "yes?"

"We're looking for Mr. Taffer, have you seen him this morning?"

"Not this morning" she crossed her arms "I have seen him last night, he had a big bag with him"

"When was this?" Amanda asked.

"Maybe ten, I don't remember exactly, is he alright?"

"How well do you know him?" Nick asked.

"I don't, he loves playing loud music in the middle of the night, but I guess you're not here because of that"

"Was he alone when he left last night?" Amanda looked at Nick, was their suspect leaving in the middle of the night a coincidence?

"Yeah, just him and a bag" she replied.

"Thank you ma'am" Nick handed her his card "call me if you see him"

"So…" Amanda turned to him as they walked away.

"I'll call Liv, send Carisi to check in on Bonnie, make sure he's not there" Nick reached for his phone"

"We should get a BOLO out, I don't like this" they walked to his car and exchanged a look, so much for an open and shut case.

* * *

Things didn't get better when they were back at the precinct, Carisi was already back from the victim's, Bonnie, apartment. She wasn't there.

"You tried her neighbors?" Nick asked.

"Someone saw her leave, at about nine" Carisi told them "I checked the apartment, no sign of struggle"

"Our witness said Taffer left at ten, he could be after her, we know he has ties to a gang, maybe someone's been watching her?" Amanda suggested.

"We have a BOLO on the two of them" Fin said "we need to make a list of known associates"

"I'm on it" Carisi walked to his computer.

"Liv's got a suit in her office" Fin said "got here just before the two of you did"

"And you think this has something to do with our case?" Amanda looked at Benson's office.

"There's nothing else going on" Fin shrugged "so I guess it has to be connected"

"Maybe he could shed some light on what's going on" Nick walked to the fridge, he didn't get a chance to eat anything yet, he had expected this to be an easy arrest but that was not the case. If only he had left anything in there except for his energy drink.

"You're looking for something?" Amanda poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Just wondered if I may have left something eatable at some point" he shut the door and looked at her. Amanda placed the cup on the counter and walked to the fridge.

"Here" she took a box out of it "not exactly breakfast, but I left it here yesterday, probably won't make you sick like something you might have left here god knows when"

"Thanks" he smiled, it looked like rice and vegetables, he remembered she had it for lunch yesterday.

"You've been thinking more about…" she lowered her voice "California?"

He didn't say anything at first but then nodded "to be honest, I'm not sure I have a choice, but…" he shrugged and she knew he was going to leave, she could also tell he had doubts about it.

"You know, Fin has a friend in the LAPD…if this is something you really want, maybe he could help you get an interview or something"

"I'll talk to him when the time is right…if the time will be right…but listen" their eyes met "I'd appreciate it if you won't mention it to anyone, I still need to figure out what I want to do"

"Don't worry about it" she grabbed her coffee and walked back to her desk. Nick may have said he was thinking about it, but she could see it in his eyes, he's already made the decision, even if he wasn't honest with himself about it yet.

Amanda didn't want him to leave, but she would never say it to Nick, how would that conversation start "Nick, I love you, please choose to stay with me far away from your children" yeah, that would be a great talk. As someone who had crappy parents she had respect for people who made sacrifices for their children, so she would support whatever he wants to do, he deserved being happy, and his kids made him happy.

She had to let him go.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you for all of your comments, I love and appreciate them very much. _

_And I owe you an update on my other fic, I'm working on it : )_

* * *

Nick swallowed the remaining of the rice and threw away the container. He sat back at his desk, there were so many things he had to figure out, moving won't be easy, it's going to take time. Cynthia wanted them to move in July, but he could go there a little sooner, or whenever everything's settled. He's gonna have to find himself a job, and a place to live.

He glanced at Amanda, her idea about talking to Fin was good, if he could somehow help him get a job in the LAPD it would be a huge relief. Nick couldn't really see himself doing anything else, being a cop was part of his identity. It was part of Nick Amaro.

Olivia walked out of her office accompanied with a man who, as Fin mentioned earlier, was wearing a suit.

"This is agent Russell" she introduced him "he's running a task force and has some info for us"

"About Bonnie's case?" Amanda looked at him.

"We've been following a few gangs here in New York that have been handling guns" the agent started "I heard about the BOLO you took out this morning and thought I'd share some of what we know, see if it helps you, maybe you could help me"

"We don't have much, just Taffer's DNA and an arrest warrant" Nick jumped in "but the two of them have disappeared, you think it could be connected somehow?"

"Here's some info for you" he placed a file with photos on the desk "Bonnie and Taffer seem to be pretty friendly in some of them, but as far as I know they weren't together or anything"

Each of the detectives looked at the photos, they didn't seem to be very helpful, just pictures of people talking, walking. Taffer appeared in many of them and Bonnie in just a few.

"So we can be certain she lied about not knowing who raped her" Amanda placed them back on the desk "doesn't mean he didn't do it"

"Do you have any idea where he might have gone?" Fin asked.

"I'm looking into it, but it hasn't been that long, it might take more time before I have anything for you" Russell placed the pictures back in the file "I don't want to meddle in your investigation, but I'd appreciate a call when you find them, or if I find them first I will let you know"

"We will do that agent" Olivia assured, she gestured at Amanda "meanwhile detective Rollins will give you the little we do have"

"Thanks sergeant" he smiled and walked over to Amanda.

"These are the lab results and the interview with Bonnie, that's all we have" she gave him the few pages.

"You talked to him?"

"With my partner" she looked up at Fin.

"How ya doing?" Fin nodded.

"And you think she was being honest?" he looked through the information, but there wasn't anything that seemed useful for his case.

"I can't be sure now" she shrugged "what are they involved in?"

"Buying and selling guns, we've had them on our radar for a while now" he leaned back in the chair "I came here when I heard about the BOLO, wanted to see what that was about, there've been some changes going on lately and I have a feeling this has something to do with the accusation"

"Changes?" Fin asked.

"In their ranks" Russell looked at him "like something might be happening"

"I guess we're gonna have to keep each other in the loop"

* * *

"You sure this is the right address?" Nick walked out of the car and looked at Fin.

"It is" Fin answered "Bonnie called someone here a few days ago, you find it hard to believe she knows someone here? Cause it's fancy?"

Nick chuckled "come on, let's check it out"

Fin knocked and it took a few moments until a man opened the door, he seemed to be just a little older than Bonnie, somewhere in his early twenties which made them believe he was the one who had spoken to her.

"We're detectives Amaro and Tutuola" Fin said "you got a call from Bonnie Hall, we have a few questions about her"

"Bonnie?" The man tried to look confused.

"Are you going to say you don't know her? Cause we're not going to believe you" Fin didn't give him a chance to lie "why did she call?"

"She's a friend, she needed to talk"

"Ok" Nick was pissed "why don't we take a ride to the station, maybe a few hours in the interrogation room will jolt your memory" he moved a little closer to him.

"Fine, fine" he surrendered "I only know Bonnie cause I bought some…"

"Weed? We don't care bout that" Fin said.

"So that's how I know her, and she called me cause she wanted to sell more, I guess she needed money, but I said no, didn't have the cash"

The detectives exchanged a look, not sure if they believed him or not.

"Look" he continued "this is my parent's house, their money, she wanted too much, and the quality is not worth it anyhow"

"Ok, we'll be in touch" Fin said and they turned to walk back to the car.

"What do you think?" Nick opened the car's door.

"I think he's telling the truth, he got scared when you mentioned the interrogation room, doubt he'd risk himself for her"

They both sat down and Nick realized this was a good time to bring up LA. He trusted Fin, he was a good guy, if there's a chance he could help him out he had to take it.

"Listen, Fin" he looked at him "I've got a favor to ask"

"Let's hear it first, don't want to promise anything" he smiled.

"My son's moving to California" repeating it didn't make it easier, he hoped it wasn't true.

"Oh man, that's tough" Fin wasn't a stranger to having a complicated relationship with a son, he knew Nick was trying hard to be close to him.

"Yeah, well…it is what it is" she shrugged "and I've been thinking, with Zara living there…I think I need to live there too, my children are there and I should be with them, close to them"

"I get it" he nodded "but you really want to do that? I mean…moving to California is a big change"

"Sure is, but I'm doing it for them, I don't want to be a long distance father"

"So what's the favor then?"

"Rollins mentioned you have a friend in the LAPD…"

"Rollins mentioned it?" Fin didn't bother hiding a little smirk.

"I wondered if maybe you could have a word with him, see if he could have a word with me"

"Consider it done"

* * *

It has been a long day and Nick was glad to be home. With the cases and the move weighing in on him, he wanted nothing more than to sleep, maybe he could get some peace then.

But sleep eluded him. The darkness and fatigue weren't enough to send him to dreamland. Fin promised to talk to his friend and Nick hoped this would lead to a job.

He had to wonder how much Fin had known, he didn't miss that smirk when he mentioned Amanda.

Amanda…she seemed to be supportive of the move, did she want him to leave?

The room, like this whole house, was so quiet, it has been so quiet for long. First Maria left, then Zara did and then Amanda…she didn't stay over anymore. They were both guilty of that breakup, or not breakup, since they weren't an official couple.

It seemed juvenile to think of them as an 'official couple' but there really was no definition to what they'd been doing, no label. They were just…something, something that may have started awkwardly, but turned into this…something else.

What were they?

Maybe it doesn't matter now, the only think that's important is what they were going to be.

What were they going to be then?

He could tell her he has feeling for her, that he misses the way she lies on the couch and watches TV, the way she plays with Frannie, the way she smiles when they are not at work, her joyful smile, the way her lips taste, the way her touch feels.

Everything about her.

He could tell her all of that and more, but he was moving to LA and he didn't want to be a long distance father, but he also didn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

"Come with me" he whispered into the darkness. It almost felt like the words filled the room, those three little words. _Come with me_.

Could he ask her to do that? Could he walk up to her and say "Amanda, would you consider moving to LA with me? Please"


	4. Chapter 4

_I feel like you're all my Rollaro support group : ) So thanks for that!_

_This is my imaginary spin off, if only I had a lot (a lot) of money to make it real, we should start a Rollaro Kickstarter project._

_This one is kind of a filler chapter, but things will pick up in the next one. _

* * *

Nick walked into the squad room and spotted Amanda sitting on her chair, checking something on the computer. He didn't get much sleep the previous night, tossing and turning in his bed. Trying to decide whether this was even a good idea, so what if he misses her? Maybe she doesn't feel the same. If she wouldn't be happy about the move she would have said something.

But it was Amanda, and Nick knew very well she wouldn't say a word, no matter what she wants.

Who's to say she even cares? Maybe she's over everything and only looks for friendship now? He couldn't help but feel like there was more, the looks they've been exchanging, a few drinks once in a while, always with this tension. The good kind of tension, the one that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster, that makes every tiny gesture become a part of some dance, that tingle that runs through your body.

The excitement. It was all there, but they were afraid, or at least he was, of getting caught, getting hurt again.

Heck, maybe she could find something in the LAPD too, but he wouldn't want to ask Fin for that favor. She could stay at home…he had a mental image of Amanda wearing an apron by the stove, cooking and baking.

Nick couldn't help but chuckle at that picture, he was rewarded by a questioning look from the heroine herself and he just smiled and greeted her with a casual good morning.

No, Amanda would never go for that, and he wouldn't want her too, not only because she might poison him with her cooking skills, but because he wanted her the way she really was, just happier.

She turned her attention to the screen and he did everything not to stare. Was it really a possibility? For the two of them to leave together? She had nothing in LA and he just wants her to go with him? How could he ask her to leave everything behind for something they haven't _really_ tried?

"You're doing it again" he heard her voice, he could tell she was smiling before he looked up "getting all lost in thoughts, how are things?"

"I talked to Fin" he told her "thanks for that…nothing else yet"

"When are you going to tell Liv?"

He almost forgot he had to do that "soon I guess" he looked down when Carisi walked. Amanda got the hint and returned to work.

Amanda was right, he had to tell Benson, he has already gotten the ball rolling and who knows how things will turn out with the job, he's probably going to need her help with that, a recommendation. Nick got up and walked to her office, the door was opened and she was talking to someone on the phone but gestured for him to sit down. He closed the door behind him which earned him a questioning look and she ended the call.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"I've got to talk to you about something" Nick sat down in front of her.

"Of course, what is it?"

"So…Cynthia and Gil are moving to San Diego" she was the third person he told, he hasn't even told his mother yet.

"Wow" Olivia leaned back, giving his her full attention "that must be not easy for you"

"No it isn't, but…you know, I've been thinking about it a lot, about what I have to do. I need to do what's right for Zara and Gil, I'm their father and I want to be there for the two of them, wherever they are"

"What are you saying?" she didn't want to make any assumptions.

"I need to move there, to California, my kids have to come first"

"I understand…I mean…haven't expected it but I know how important they are to you. What's your plan?"

"Fin knows someone in the LAPD, we'll see if it leads anywhere"

"Whatever I can do to help, it's a loss for this squad but if you feel it's right, I'll support your decision"

"Thanks Liv" he stood up and she did the same "it means a lot, I will keep you posted"

"Yeah" she smiled "I'm sure Zara will be thrilled, and Gil. Have you told them yet?"

"No, you know I'm flying there for a visit this weekend anyway so I guess I'll talk to Maria then"

"I'm sure everything will work out for you"

* * *

The flight to LA felt different this time. This would be his home soon, not just a place he visits once in a while. He'll walk through these streets, drive on these roads, eat in these diners. But he's going to do that with his daughter, and he's going to live closer to his son.

Zara was very happy to see him, he took her out to eat and she showed him her science project for school and talked his ear off about herself.

"Ok honey, I need to have a word with your mom" he said when they got back to Maria's house.

"Alright dad, but say goodbye before you go, k?" she hugged him.

"Of course" he watched as Zara walked to her room.

All that time ago Maria offered him to go with them to California. He asked her if with them meant _with them _but even though she didn't say it, he knew it meant something else. They were over.

"Listen" he said once he heard the door close behind Zara "I'm moving here"

"You're moving?" she crossed her arms and stared at him.

"Gil and his mother are moving to San Diego and with Zara here I figured this is where I have to be"

Maria couldn't hide her surprise but she wasn't sure what to say.

"I haven't told Zara yet, I'm looking for a job here and I'm going to need to find a place to stay…live I, it's going to take time…but I'm going to be here all of the time"

"You don't seem too excited about it"

Nick shrugged, he wasn't, he would have loved to stay in New York, but that wasn't an option now "I'm gonna have to make the best of it"

"We will have to talk about things, visiting arrangements and all that…"

"I want to see her as much as I can" Nick hoped this wasn't going to turn into an argument, if he was going to live close to his daughter he wanted to see her as often as possible.

"Of course, I just meant that with her school and schedule…"

"Schedule? Come on Maria, she's a kid" this wasn't the first time she used this word and it always ended up in a fight, this wasn't the time for it and Nick knew it "let's not get into this now, we're gonna have to make it work"

"You know, she'll be happy about this"

"Let me tell her, ok?"

She nodded and smiled.

* * *

Fin came through and Nick got a call from his friend. He was a lieutenant in narcotics and said he'd love to have a few words with him, see about helping him out and since Nick was already there he agreed to meet him on a Saturday.

"So how's Tutuola treating you?" lieutenant Cusack asked.

"Fin's great, he's a great detective"

"I remember, the stories I could tell…but I'm sworn to secrecy"

"I don't think Fin'd want me to come back spreading those" Nick laughed, the Fin he's known was a cool guy, he liked working with him, he liked the entire squad, even Carisi sometimes.

"So he tells me you're looking to transfer, you're moving here?"

"Yeah, I have a daughter here and my son's going to live in San Diego so I'm following"

"You're doing this for the kids? Otherwise you'd stay in New York?"

"Yes" he replied honestly.

They talked for a while, about Nick's time in narcotics, his work in SVU. There were many things they had to go through, Nick's record wasn't exactly clean but it seemed that Fin has told the lieutenant some good stories.

Nick had a good feeling it will work out.

* * *

"So how'd it go?" Fin asked him on Monday.

"I owe you man" Nick smiled "and I'm paying you back by not telling anyone what the lieutenant had told me about you"

Fin laughed "who are you kiddin'? There's no way he told you anything, some things about me you ain't ever gonna know"

"Who's not gonna know something about you?" Amanda caught the last part of their conversation as she walked in.

"All of you" he smirked.

"Not even your partner?" she pretended it insulted her.

"You've been partnered with Carisi lately, maybe he's gonna share some knowledge with you" Fin walked away to grab himself coffee.

"So it went well?" she asked.

"I think so" he shrugged "I hope so, how were things here?"

"We had a visit from agent Russell, he had a lead about Taffer and Bonnie" she replied.

"You found them?"

"No, but they are together, we've got some footage of them"

"That's something"

"Yeah" she smiled and walked to her desk.

Fin was talking to someone by the fridge, Olivia was in her office and Carisi hasn't shown up yet. Maybe this was his chance, something in his gut told him there won't be a better time.

"Hey Rollins" he took a deep breath.


	5. Chapter 5

_I hope you don't expect things to go too smoothly…_

* * *

"Hey Rollins" he said.

"Mmmm?" she was still focused on the screen.

"Can we talk?" that got her attention "in private"

She nodded and he was about to get up to walk to the bunks. Was he really going to ask her to move all the way to California with him? It's not like they were married or even in a relationship. She would probably laugh or roll her eyes at him, or both. And then she'd say no.

Nick could almost hear her voice, the way she'd pronounce the word. But maybe there's a slight chance she'd say yes, or at least _'I'll think about it'_.

Maybe he shouldn't even put her in that spot, cause the second he does they have to decide what they are, and that's something they'd never done. But it's going to take time until he leaves, maybe they could figure it out by then.

"Just a sec" her phone buzzed and she had to answer.

He didn't get a chance to eavesdrop because his phone rang too "Amaro" he answered.

"Detective, this is lieutenant Cusack, how're you doing?"

"I'm alright lieutenant, how about yourself?" Nick was a little taken aback by the call, it hasn't been long since he got back from L.A. and the lieutenant's already calling.

"It's all good Amaro, I have some good news, we have a spot for you in the department"

Nick stood up "that is good news, thank you so much" it was overwhelming and he wasn't sure what else to say.

"There is a little catch though, not really a catch, depends how you look at it" the lieutenant let out something that sounded like a giggle.

"A catch?" Nick was getting nervous.

"Depends on your perspective, the thing is I need you to start early"

"How early?" Nick turned his head to look at Amanda, she was still on the phone, writing something down.

"Two weeks" he heard the lieutenant.

"Two weeks?" Nick had to give himself time to wrap his head around it, two weeks?

"I know it's a short notice, but this is all I have, and probably all I will have for a while. I like you Amaro, you have a lot of experience and I need someone who knows his way around narcotics, I need an answer soon, by tomorrow so I could start the paperwork"

"Yeah, I understand, I will call you by tomorrow" this was not the plan, to move so fast, there was so much to handle.

And he still had to talk to Amanda.

Nick walked back to his desk but Amanda was putting on her jacket, getting ready to leave "I got a call from agent Russell, he found Bonnie so Fin and I are on our way to talk to her" she let him know.

"See what she's been hiding" Fin said "let's go Amanda"

She smiled at him before leaving and the way that little gesture made him feel, the freaking butterflies in his stomach…how could he let her go?

* * *

"Two weeks?" Olivia couldn't believe this, two weeks, just like that.

"I know, but this could be my only chance…it's too soon for me too…I have to take care of the house, find another place, I haven't even told Cynthia and Gil yet, not even my mom…" he had so much to take care of, it was overwhelming.

"I get it, can't say I'm excited about the two weeks notice but I guess I have no choice"

"Neither do I" he said and walked to the door "I have to take it"

* * *

Amanda and Fin were back about two hours later, Nick used that time to call the lieutenant and accept the offer. A few months, two weeks, it didn't really matter since he had to move. The plan was to talk to his mother tonight, and Cynthia and Gil the next day.

"You talked to Bonnie?" he shut down the internet browser, he's been looking at apartments.

"Yes" Amanda took off her jacket "a complete one eighty, she acted so fragile at the hospital but today…" she exchanged a look with Fin.

"That girl knew exactly what she was doing" Fin shook his head and nodded at Olivia who joined them.

"She admitted there was no rape, they made this whole thing up" Amanda said.

"She gave you a reason?" Olivia asked.

"After some pressure" Fin caught Benson's disapproving look "not by us, it was agent Russell, he takes his job very seriously" he smiled at Amanda.

"It's a turf war, Taffer and Bonnie thought they could make us believe she was raped by someone from a rival gang, too bad the evidence disproved their story" Amanda let them know "so right now we're looking for Taffer"

"I still want you to stay on this, I'm going to talk to Barba, tell him to file charges"

"We still have that BOLO out, Russell has men looking for him" Fin said.

"You think he's gonna let us charge him? Or are we going to have a turf war of our own?" Nick chuckled.

"He's alright" Amanda said "he wants to get some info from him for his task force, they are interested in the gang, not in Taffer himself"

"Just wait till they turn him into a material witness and we have to drop the case" Nick looked at her but she shrugged.

"Look, we will do our job and he will do his, get back to work" Olivia walked back to her office "see if there's anything else we might have missed"

"We should let Russell handle it, what's Barba going to charge them with? Filing false charges? I think it's a waste of our time" Nick leaned back and looked at Amanda "we have other cases and if his gang is going to protect him…it's not an SVU case"

"We should at least question him, how can we be sure she isn't the one who's protecting him?" Amanda countered.

"Are you getting lazy?" Fin joked "already in California, ha?" Nick gave him an angry look "come on, we all know you're leaving and the lieutenant called me too, I vouched for you man and all we get is a short notice"

Amanda tried to control herself and look at something other than Nick, she could almost feel his gaze on her, just for a second.

"Short notice?" her voice was a tad shaky but she managed to look busy.

"Fin's friend offered me a job but I have to start in two weeks" he wanted to meet her eyes, but she kept them hidden. He had to talk to her.

"That's great news" she finally looked up and smiled at him.

Amanda wanted to walk away, two weeks? That's all they have left? But she couldn't just get up and leave, Fin would start asking questions and she didn't want to have to dodge him.

But Amanda's phone buzzed, giving her an excuse "Rollins" she replied and turned to look at a different direction, she just didn't want to see Nick's brown eyes.

"When did that happen?" she stood up abruptly "how did they get to her? No…ok…we're on our way"

"What is it?" Fin asked.

"It was Russell, Bonnie was taken from the station"

"What do you mean taken?"

"Looks like someone dressed in uniforms took her" Russell was still looking into it, the station was a mess.

"I'll let Liv know" Fin got up "you still think this isn't an SVU case?"

"But is Russell sure this is a kidnapping? Could be the gang helping her out" Nick looked at Amanda.

"He thought so too, but the witnesses say he looked more like a member of the rival gang" she shrugged "maybe they heard about the plan"

"What's their name?"

"Los lagartos verdes, ever heard about them while you were at Narcotics?"

"Never" Nick shook his head "what did Russell say?"

"They are a small group selling guns, very loyal, the feds tried but couldn't get anyone to blow the whistle"

"I'm not surprised" he was already looking for info on the database "if this is true then we might have a real war on our hands"

"Then we have to find her as soon as possible"

"What's going on?" Olivia and Fin returned to the squad room.

"This is their territory" Nick pointed at the screen "I think we should look for her there, they probably want Taffer and his man to know they got her"

"Ok, Amaro, Rollins, go, but not without your vests, Fin" she turned to him "get Carisi and go with him, I'm calling SWAT. And be careful"

* * *

"Where do you think they'd be hiding her?" Amanda asked.

It was a pretty isolated street, a bad neighborhood, plenty of places to hide someone, dead or alive. They were parked not too close to it, trying to form a strategy.

"They are probably trolling the streets, waiting for Taffer's guys to arrive" Nick said.

"I don't see anyone yet, you think they're hiding?" she looked at him.

"I don't know, probably" he shook his head "we better wait for backup, I don't know how many there are"

"Yeah" she nodded.

They sat in silence for a while, looking for any sign of…anything actually, the SWAT team was just a few minutes away and all they could do was wait. Both wanted to be focused on the case, the only distraction being Nick's move, and neither wanted to talk about it.

"They're here" he said after spotting the SWAT car "let's go"

The detectives got out of Nick's car and walked to Olivia "we'll check this one" Nick pointed at the first house on the left and Olivia nodded in approval while a SWAT team made their way to another one.

It was a small abandoned building, they drew out their guns and carefully walked inside. Many of the walls were taken down, as if someone wanted to renovate but gave up.

"I don't hear anything" Amanda whispered "it's too quiet"

"Yeah" Nick nodded "I don't like it at all"

They checked what was left from the rooms in the first floor and were about to go to the second floor when they heard a noise.

Nick ran to it's direction and Amanda followed.

"NYPD" Nick shouted "come out with your hands up"

Amanda slowly walked towards him from the other side, the man stayed down but they figured where he was hiding.

"You're surrounded, don't make it hard on yourself" Nick repeated, still no answer.

There was a noise from outside, Nick and Amanda exchanged a look, it was a gun shot, followed by another one.

The man took that opportunity and shot.

Nick ducked and moved behind a nearby wall, there was another gun shot, and then another one closer this time. Nick could still hear heavy fire from the street but it was quiet inside.

"Rollins?" he peeked behind the wall, he saw the man lying on his back, he was shot, straight to the heart "Rollins?" he looked around and saw her.

"Amanda!" he felt the wind being knocked out of him even though he wasn't hurt "no" he whispered as he rushed to her side.


	6. Chapter 6

_Here's a quick update, hope you'll like this chapter..._

* * *

"Amanda?"

She was hit, there was blood running down her thigh. The other guy was dead, she shot him straight through the heart.

"Crap, crap, crap" she mumbled.

Nick grabbed the radio "officer down, I need a bus" he couldn't hear a response and he knew they would have a hard time sending a bus in this situation, he could hear heavy fire outside.

Her face twisted in anguish as she was trying to sit up "it hurts so bad" her voice was low.

"Careful, stay down" he touched her shoulder and looked down at her thigh "Amanda, this doesn't look so good" he grabbed her hands and placed them on the wound "hold on Amanda, ok?"

"I'm fine" she nodded.

They were in the middle of the room, he didn't know where that guy came from but he had to get Amanda to a safer spot. He moved behind her "don't move your hands" he said and placed his arms under her armpits and dragged her behind the wall.

"Nick" she hissed, her voice full of pain.

"It's ok" he calmed her down "you will be ok"

Once they were safer Nick could asses her injury better. It looked bad, the blood was still flowing out of the wound and her pants were soaked with it.

He helped her sit up a little so she could lean on the wall "look at me" he said and she raised her eyes at him.

"It looks bad" she said looking at her leg "and it hurts"

"Don't move your hands" Nick knew they had to stop the blood and hoped she could put enough pressure on the wound while he'd look for a way to get her out of there.

"Amanda, listen to me" he used his left hand to put pressure on her hands and she let out a groan of pain, with his right hand he raised her chin a bit so he could look into her eyes "you need to apply more pressure on the wound, help is on the way" he really hoped it was true, shots were still being fired.

Nick reached to the radio again "I need help here" he said.

There was some static noise but then he heard Benson "Nick, what's exactly going on?"

"Amanda's been shot, I need a bus now"

"We have a bus on the way, but we can't send paramedics in, we are under heavy fire"

"Liv…"

"We'll send help the second it's clear Nick, hold on and stay inside"

"It's gonna be fine Amanda" he gave her a reassuring smile but it wasn't doing its job. They had to stay there, even if they could go out to the street it would do her no good, not if the ambulance couldn't get to her.

"Shit" Amanda whispered "they give you some good painkillers at the hospital" she gave him something that resembled a smile.

"You'll be there soon, think about how it's going to feel with that morphine" Nick looked back, it was worse than he thought, the blood left a trail from where she had been shot, she had already lost a lot of blood and was going to get into shock quickly if they didn't stop the bleeding.

Nick removed his vest and then quickly took off his shirt, he wrapped it around the wound as tightly as possible, she let out a curse and Nick could tell it hurt her.

"You will be just fine" he tried the reassuring smile again.

"I know" she gave him a slight nod but her voice was very quiet and she had trouble focusing.

"Hey, hey" he caressed her cheek, his hands were bloody now and the touch left some blood on her face "stay with me Amanda, talk to me"

"Nick" she looked at him "is he gone?"

"You hit him" he nodded.

"He shot me first"

"Then your aim is really good" he smiled "better than mine"

"Was that hard for you to admit?" her breathing was heavy.

"It's the truth, you're a good shot, a good detective"

"Alright" she closed her eyes and whispered "two weeks"

Nick was about to say something, even though this was probably not the best time for this conversation. He glanced at the fabric around her thigh, the light blue shirt was getting redder and redder "crap" he muttered, this wasn't good.

"I'm cold" she smirked "I should have worn a coat…" she shook her head a bit.

"I can get you the gang member's coat, I think there's a hole in it though" he smirked, trying to lighten the mood, this was a remark Amanda would make.

"Such a g…" she lost her voice and closed her eyes.

"What? Come on, talk to me Amanda, don't fall asleep"

"Don't go, don't leave me" she whispered and reached for his hand "you're such a gentleman"

"Thank you" there were still gun shots, but not as much as before, they needed help and they needed it fast. She looked so frail.

"You have to hold on, you hear me? You get it?"

She moved her head and their eyes met, he wasn't sure what he'd seen there, it was a mix of desperation and acceptance, or maybe it was nothing at all, he couldn't handle it.

"Amanda" his voice was firm "I can't lose you, you hear me? You must hold on, look at me and tell me something, tell me about Frannie, ok? Anything"

"She's a dog" she replied.

Nick chuckled, hoping this was a sarcastic reply and not one of confusion caused by shock, she was pale and cold, he doubted she had the energy for sarcasm at the moment.

"She's a great dog" he nodded in agreement "what did you do this morning?"

Amanda was quiet for a moment but then gave him a serious look "Nick" she said "will you ask Fin to take care of her? Please?"

"What about me? You don't trust me?" he asked.

"I do" she smiled "You will be in LA…will you ask him?"

"You will have to take care of her yourself, help is on the way, just hold on for a little longer, for Frannie"

"One second at a time" she whispered.

"Exactly, just stay awake one second at a time" his shirt was completely red now, he had to think about something else or it would be too late.

Nick could almost envision it, Amanda's funeral, her lying in a coffin, being lowered into the ground.

No.

He couldn't let that happen. This couldn't be the last time he's with her, their last conversation.

Her eyes were closed and he shook her a bit "open your eyes" he ordered, trying not to let the panic in his gut be eminent in his voice.

"I'm tired Nick…and weak" her eyelids moved up but her head was tilted to the side.

"You are far from weak Amanda, you are the strongest person I know"

She let out a puff of air but didn't say anything.

"You are, with everything you've been through, everything you are dealing with, you still come to work and deal with these cases everyday, most people wouldn't be able to handle that, but you are not most people, you are…" he felt tears firming in his eyes but he couldn't concentrate on his feelings.

He had to work fast, it seemed like the shootout was winding down and he hoped the paramedics would be there soon, but he had no time to find out.

She was still bleeding and he had to put even more pressure, he reached for his belt.

"You taking your pants off?" she mumbled.

"This is worse than I thought but we'll make it" he said, raising her leg so he could wrap the belt around it.

"I don't feel anything" she told him, it wasn't good but Nick had to be focused.

He placed the belt about an inch above the wound and tightened it as much as possible, even though she'd just said she couldn't feel anything he heard a moan of pain.

"A second at a time, right?" he looked up at her and she nodded.

"Where's the bus?" Nick wanted to scream into the radio, he wasn't sure how much time she had, the belt was wrapped so tightly it stopped the entire circulation.

"Open your eyes Amanda" he reached for her face again "I need to see your eyes open"

"Your pants are still on" she said and reached for his hand again, placing her palm over his "you're a good man" he could see she struggled to raise her eyes at him, she gave up and didn't add anything else.

"Come on Amanda" he placed both hands on her cheeks, raising her face a little "you will make it, ok?, there's no other option, you hear me? You can't leave"

Nick heard someone call him, it was the radio and he reached for it again, hoping to get some good news.

"Where's the bus?" he repeated.

"Nick" he heard Olivia's voice "it's bad out here, but the bus is on the way"

"No, no, no!" he shouted "she needs help now! She might not have a few minutes"

"The bus is seconds away, move her out of there"

"Yeah" he placed the radio in its place and looked at Amanda "we're going out, ok? The bus will wait for us there, just stay awake"

"Nick, I…" she said and he looked at her.

"Whatever you want to say to me, you will when you're better, you hear me?" without giving her a chance to respond he carefully picked her up.

Nick made his way out as fast as he allowed himself. He was focused on leaving, nothing around him mattered, he had tunnel vision, all he cared about was getting Amanda out of there, making sure she got help.

He could see the door open and heard voices, from the corner of his eye he could see someone from the SWAT team but ignored him.

Without looking at her Nick knew she was unconscious. She was limp in his arms and all there was left for him to do was to hope.

This couldn't be the end for her, this couldn't be the end for them.


	7. Chapter 7

The next moments felt unreal, as if he wasn't even there.

He had tunnel vision, everything that surrounded him was a blur. The officers arresting some of the gang members, the police cars driving away, the paramedic who covered a body and another one who got into an ambulance and drove off.

But Nick couldn't see any of that, he was focused only on the EMTs rushing towards him with a gurney. He placed Amanda on it and stepped back so they could work. One of them placed an oxygen mask on her face and turned to ask Nick something as they wheeled her to the ambulance. Nick gave them a reply but the moment he let the words roll out of his mouth he'd forgotten the question and the answer. Fin hopped into his car to follow them as they drove away, the sirens filled everything and Nick felt as if it wasn't air he was inhaling, but that gut wrenching noise.

The ambulance was gone but Nick still couldn't get himself together. He suddenly felt cold and realized he was only wearing his undershirt, it was now dirty, just like his pants, his hands. Soiled with Amanda's blood.

"Let's go Nick" Olivia's voice was a reminder that there were other people on the street, then why did he feel so alone?

"We will meet Fin at the hospital" she continued.

"I need to…" he looked at the road and then at Liv, not sure how to put his need into words.

"Carisi's gonna take you home, you can't see her like this" she said and stirred him towards a car.

"No I need to go there…"

"The paramedics think she'll need surgery, you need to change Nick, clean up. Carisi will take you straight to the hospital after you do, you can't wait there like this"

"Let's go" Carisi opened the car's door, he tried not to stare but it wasn't easy for him. He's never seen Nick like this, so defeated and helpless, so shaken up.

"Yeah, ok" Nick had no energy to argue, he nodded and sat down.

They drove away in complete silence and during the ride Nick was finally sobering up from the daze that has been wrapped around him.

Carisi was about to step out of the vehicle once he parked it by Nick's place but the look he got forced him to remain in the car.

"I'll take a cab, just go to the hospital" he said, not really interested in company, he wanted to be at the hospital as soon as possible, but he wanted to go there alone.

"You sure?" Carisi looked at him "I don't mind waiting"

"It's ok" Nick didn't stay for the reply and walked out of the car.

"Ok, I'll…see you there" Carisi said, mostly to himself as Nick was already by his front door.

Looking at the bathroom's mirror he could see some blood on his face, it has dried up already. The blood on his hands wasn't completely dry and he knew he'd have to clean the door handles, but it could wait.

Nick yearned for that shower now, he couldn't stand seeing the blood, feeling it on his body. He threw the shirt into the trash and the rest of his cloths followed. He let the warm water run down his body for a few minutes and closed his eyes. Nick didn't want to see anything, he needed the darkness to protect him from everything he had already seen today, the way Amanda looked, the paler than pale skin, that look in her eyes, as if the light has been turned off and the only thing left there was emptiness.

He remembered touching her thigh, wrapping the fabric around it. It occurred to him that a few months ago he touched her in a completely different way. He let his fingers slowly caress her soft skin, tracing invisible lines up and down her legs, letting his tongue taste it. And Amanda loved it, she loved feeling him explore her skin, figuring out how to make her moan or pant harder.

It seemed so long ago.

Those days and nights at her place when they only cared about each other's pleasure. They never clarified what it was exactly and Nick felt like they had a non verbal agreement stating they weren't going to. Not that he had any complaints, he was in a bad place and she was in a bad place, they just distracted each other from it.

Those moments, when they were away from work, away from everyone else, he felt like they were in a bubble, just the two of them, with no problems, no issues, all the bad things were left outside.

But all bubbles burst.

And theirs did too. In the hurtful way possible, letting all those previously hidden troubles surround them. They were barely looking at each other. Nick has never been this professional with someone in his life, they only talked shop, nothing else. Not that he enjoyed that time, but it forced him to evaluate the situation and finally he realized that it hurt him so much because he cared, he cared about her more than just as a coworker like Carisi or a friend like Benson.

As they slowly pieced their friendship back together he allowed himself to accept these feelings more and more. It wasn't a bad thing, love could never be a bad thing.

But time could.

And their timing was terrible.

Just as they were on the verge of getting closer, just as he wanted to make things right with her, just as he felt she may want to work on it too…he had to leave.

And she almost died.

Or maybe she was already gone?

Nick turned the water off and got dressed quickly. There were no messages on his phone and he hoped it was a good sign.

Without wasting anymore time he grabbed his things and rushed to the hospital.

* * *

"Anything?" he saw Carisi, Fin and Liv sitting in the waiting room, there were other police officers there as well.

"She's still in surgery" Olivia answered and both she and Fin stood up.

"They haven't told us anything yet" Fin let him know "she was unconscious when she got here but Amanda's strong, she will pull through" Fin looked at him, he followed the bus to the hospital but didn't get a chance to see her, a nurse let him know she was taken straight to surgery.

Nick nodded, he sat down and rested his head in his hands. Amanda had to make it, she couldn't die, not like this, not now. There was so much he had to say to her, to do with her. He wanted to…do whatever she'd ask of him, just as long as she lives. He thought about praying but couldn't think of anything to say to god.

"I'll go get us coffee" he heard Olivia say, she also wanted to get an update about the scene and the other injured officers.

"She'll pull through" Fin repeated and Nick wondered whether it was for his sake or if Fin was trying to convince himself. But Nick had to hold on to that too, to focus on the thought of her being alright and not the memory of her withering in front of him.

He listened to the sounds around him, the fast passed footsteps of the doctors and nurses, a television somewhere, people talking, laughing, someone was crying. How many times has he been there? It wasn't even the first time he's been there because Amanda got shot. But it felt so different, maybe he was the once who'd changed.

Maybe he should have let her say whatever she wanted to say, perhaps he should have said something to her, a goodbye of some sorts. You always hear about people regretting the last words they'd said.

What if he missed his chance? What if his last words to her were _'you hear me'_ there were three other words he should have said.

Olivia came back and handed each of them a cup of coffee. He took a few sips even though it tasted like nothing, he couldn't just sit and wait but there was nothing for him to do.

Benson got a call and walked away to take it. Carisi was leaning on a wall, his gaze alternated between the window and the floor. Fin was staring into space with a blank expression and Nick looked at his hands. They were clean, any trace of blood gone, but Nick could almost feel it.

His thoughts drifted to the first time he saw someone bleed, not from a scraped knee, or a small cut. He was just a kid, he couldn't remember the exact age. But he remembered because it was the last day he had any respect or love for his father.

It was the afternoon of a summer day and he was playing with his cars on the living room's floor. They were a gift from his dad, one blue car and one green car. He's been playing with them for hours, staging races, accidents, he shared each plan with his mother and she encouraged him, saying "what a great idea, hijo" and patting his head.

He was in the middle of a brand new scenario, his action figures were portraying a bad man who trapped a good one. The cars' mission was to save him. They were about to catch the evil guy when the door opened and his father walked in.

"Stop him!" Nick lowered his voice to represent the blue car as it made its way to the villain.

"What are you doing?" his father almost stepped on the green car "why do you always have to leave your toys all other the floor? You want me to fall down?"

"Sorry dad" Nick apologized and moved the car away. He kept on playing, trying not to spread the toys. Cesaria told his dad that a warm plate waits for him in the kitchen and he walked there without saying a word.

Less than a minute later, just as the bad guy was surrounded by the cars, he emerged holding the plate.

"You call this warm?" he shouted.

"It must have gotten cold, I'll put it in the oven for you" Cesaria reached for the plate but he didn't give it to her.

"You couldn't keep it there? You thought it would stay hot if you leave it on the table? How stupid are you? Ha?"

Nick let go of the cars and turned to look at his parents.

"I'm sorry" his mother whispered and was about to say something else when her husband started shouting.

"You should be sorry, you idiot!" he screamed and threw the plate at her. The porcelain hit her shoulder and she let out a cry of pain "damn it!" he turned away, walking right by Nick and almost stepping on the villain.

"What did I just say?" he yelled.

"Leave him alone" Cesaria begged and Nick turned to look at her, there was a nasty cut on her shoulder, and she was bleeding.

"Don't ever leave your things in here, you understand?" he took the prisoner and broke it in two.

Nick watched as his father walked out of the house, he realized there was no one for the cars to save.

"Mommy?" he walked towards her "are you ok?"

"It's nothing" she smiled at him but he didn't believe her.

"Here" he rushed to the bathroom and brought a towel.

"Don't move honey, I don't want you to step on the fragments, I'll clean this up, everything will be ok" he stayed planted not too far from her, holding on to the towel until she took it from him and wiped the blood away. Nick watched as she swept the remains of the plate. She disappeared to the bedroom later and Nick got back to his toys. He took them all to his room and placed the cars in the closet, he wasn't going to play with them ever again.

He wanted to check in on Cesaria and knocked on the bedroom's door. He heard her say "come in" after a few seconds. She was sitting on the bed, her eyes were red and there was a bandage on her shoulder.

Nick climbed on the bed and sat down next to her "I love you mommy" he looked into her eyes and she smiled and wrapped her arms around him.

"I love you too Nicky" she said.

This wasn't the last time something like this happened and Nick had to see his mother bleed like that more. He wasn't spared from his father's rage and even though there were so many violent incidents he's witnessed and was a part of, he has never forgotten this one, the cry of pain and the gush of blood.

Nick felt just as helpless seeing Amanda bleed on that floor. He did not freeze, he knew what he had to do to help her but this not knowing, the waiting, it brought him back to that bedroom, to that little kid who had no idea what to do except for saying "I love you"

Now he wanted to say that to Amanda.

* * *

After what felt like the longest hours of his life, a doctor made his way towards them and they all stood up. Nick tried to read his expression as he walked but failed.

"She's out of surgery" he let them know "she lost a lot of blood but we've managed to stop the bleeding, , we'll know more when she wakes up"

"What about her leg?" Nick asked.

The doctor looked at him and took a couple of breaths "as I said, we'll know more after she's awake, what I can tell you now is that we may have to operate again, with the massive blood loss we didn't want to take any risks"

"Can we see her?"

"She's in recovery, I believe she'll sleep till morning, that would be the best time for you to see her" a nurse called the doctor and he excused himself and walked to talk to her.

They stood there just looking at each other until Carisi spoke "so she's going to be fine"

"Amanda's strong" Fin said "she'll be alright"

"That's good news" Liv turned to Carisi "I want you to go back to the station, see what's going on with our open investigations"

"Ok sergeant" Carisi nodded "let me know if anything's going on"

"I'm gonna go home, you need a ride?" she looked at Nick.

"I think I'll stay here" Nick answered.

"Aren't you going to meet your mother?"

Nick completely forgot about it, he wanted to talk to her about the move "yes, I'll go soon"

"Ok" Olivia nodded and walked away.

"You're going to stay here?" Nick asked once he was left alone with Fin.

"I'll check in with one of the nurses, maybe they'll let me see her"

"I'll be here first thing tomorrow" he told him "you know…she wanted me to ask you to take care of her dog"

"I guess Frannie's lucky she doesn't have to live with me" Fin gave him a quick pat on the back.

* * *

"Nicky, you're late, is everything ok?" Cesaria opened the door and greeted her son with a kiss and a hug.

"Just work, I'm sorry" just work…he didn't want to tell his mother about the day he's had.

"You must be hungry, hijo" she said "come on"

They ate dinner and talked about nothing in particular for a while. After his father's trial she was upset with him for testifying, she didn't want to air out their dirty laundry, not after all those years, not after Nicolas and her were talking.

"Listen mom" he delayed the conversation enough "I wanted to talk to you about something"

"What is it?"

"Gil is moving to San Diego" he said.

"What? Why?"

"Cynthia wants to live closer to her family there, she thinks it would be safer for him there and I…well…I've decided to move to California. With Zara there and now Gil…"

"You are moving to California?" she looked at him.

"I have to, for my children, I don't want to be so far away from them, it's hard to have to fly there to see Zara and to do the same with Gil…I don't want to see them just on a computer screen"

"Oh hijo" she smiled at him "I understand, and it's a good reason"

"The thing is…I got a job but have to start in two weeks" the little time he had left in New York was suddenly overwhelming, it was so short. He had to find a place in LA, he had to pack and selling the house, it remained only on his name after the divorce. There was so much history there, good and bad.

"That's so soon!" Cesaria called, a bit in shock.

Nick nodded, it was soon, he'd barely have time to take care of everything, he's gonna have to ask for her help. But all of those things felt unimportant, not with Amanda in the hospital bed…it all came rushing back and he felt something on his cheek.

"What is it?" Cesaria looked worried "I'm sure everything will be alright" she caressed his shoulder.

"I just…a friend from work was hurt…it was a hard day…that's all" he realized it was a tear running down his cheek.

"Nicky" he looked so sad and she hugged him "everything will be ok"


	8. Chapter 8

_After reading that TV guide thing I have 2 things to say: _

_1\. SVU talking about something other than Noah? Unbelievable._

_2\. It doesn't say much, but they way they describe Rollaro is like Amanda cares __**way**__ more than Nick, and I don't really like that, it makes it seem like he's using her. In my opinion they both care about each other the same (even if at the beginning Amanda did care more hence the whole blackmail thing). Is he trying to say Amanda's going to die saving Nick's life or something (I don't even know why the article made me think of it)? But they do have feelings for each other and furtive and sporadic is better than over (not that it necessary means it's not over, maybe they just tell us what we want to hear without confirming anything)._

* * *

_So this chapter is like the season final (and you won't find any court scenes or Noah here) and the next chapter will be my imaginary spin off, and you won't have to wait till September for an update (probably…)_

_For those of you with a sensitive shipping heart, you might want to have your cardiologist on speed dial for the end of this one…_

* * *

Nick fell asleep the moment he lay in his bed. It was a dreamless slumber and Nick was grateful for that, he appreciated the break from reality, from the all the changes and uncertainty.

When morning came he wanted to go to the hospital but had to get his car first. It was still at that street, where he was with Amanda before she got shot. The yellow crime scene tape was still there, some of it torn and blowing in the light breeze. How could a case that seemed to simple turn into this disaster, with officers lying in hospital beds, Amanda wasn't the only one injured.

As he drove away from the scene he tried to focus on everything he wanted to say to her, but the only thing on his mind was the image of her, when she was about to say something to him, he didn't want to admit it but it seemed like she'd given up. Nick couldn't accept a goodbye, this wasn't her end, Amanda wasn't going to die before she's old and grey and wrinkled. Nick smiled to himself, she would probably get mad at him for picturing her like this but he'd take angry Amanda over no Amanda.

* * *

At the hospital Fin was sitting by her bed and Nick felt a little sting, he wanted to talk to her alone, but at least she was strong enough to talk.

"So she wasn't too upset?" she asked Fin and smiled when she saw Nick walking into the room "hey" she said to him.

"Hey yourself, how are you feeling?" Nick asked.

She didn't answer and looked at Fin "she was fine?"

"Don't worry about Frannie, I'm taking care of her" he reassured.

"Don't spoil her too much or she won't miss me" Amanda warned him with a smile.

"That's not gonna happen. Well, I have to go to the station, I'll be back later, feel better" he squeezed her hand a little.

"See ya Fin" she raised her hand for a quick wave "thanks"

"No problem" he winked and walked out of the room after saying goodbye to Nick.

Nick sat down on the chair beside her and allowed himself to stare at her for a moment. Needless to say she didn't look too good, her hair was messy, her skin was still paler than usual and it didn't seem she got any sleep, even though the doctor told them she'd sleep for a long time.

"How are the pain killers?" he grinned, not wanting to have a heavy conversation, not when she was so weak. He was just happy to see her there.

"Doing their job and then some" she chuckled.

He looked around her room and noticed a wheelchair "how's your leg?" she was covered with a blanket from waist down.

Amanda shrugged "it's just for now, it hurts to walk. The doctor said there's some damage, I was a little out of it when he was here, I need to have surgery but there's slight fever and they don't want to take any chances" she gave him an apologetic smile, already feeling bad about lying in that bed.

"At least they gave you the good stuff ha?"

"Only the best for New York's finest" she yawned and tilted her head back a little.

"You want to catch some sleep?" he wanted to stay and talk or just sit with her, but even these few minutes felt like such a relief so seeing her nod wasn't upsetting "ok, I'll come back to visit you later"

He got up and was about to leave when she called him.

"Nick" she said and he looked at her "thanks for saving my life"

How was he supposed to respond to that? You're welcome? No problem? He just smiled and left the room.

* * *

Even though Nick was sitting at his desk in the squad room his head was far away. He was trying to make a list of everything he had to take care of before the move. He had already written down the obvious things.

Should he write down "talk to Amanda"?

"Nick" he heard Benson's voice "can you come in here for a moment?"

He walked to her office and she smiled at him.

"Are you ok? With everything that's been going on, you talked to your mother?"

"I did, you know her…always putting others first"

"You are putting others first too Nick, your children, have you told them yet?"

"No, but I will, today"

"Well, I have something for you, transfer papers" Nick took them from her "I handled it this morning, it's official"

Nick looked at the papers "it's not time for goodbyes yet, is it?" he smiled.

"I still need you to help out as much as you can but I have a feeling there are other things on your mind"

"Yeah" he wondered if she knew those other things were mostly Amanda "I'll do my best"

"I know, and tell your kids, they will be glad to hear that"

* * *

Nick walked into the bunks room with his phone. He dialed the phone knowing hearing his daughter's voice will make him feel better.

"Hey dad" Zara answered.

"Hi honey, how are you doing?"

"I'm at school"

"Good, you had that math test yesterday, right? How'd it go?"

"It was easy, I think I'll get an A" he could almost hear her smile.

"Well, I need to tell you something…Gil is moving to San Diego in July and…"

"Cool" she interrupted, they've seen each other only one time since she's been in LA.

"You know I miss you very much and I will miss Gil too, so I decided to move there myself, to be close to you"

"REALLY?" she sounded so excited it made him happy. It was the first time the move felt like a good idea, he was doing it for Zara and Gil, to be with them.

"Really, I already got a job" he let her know.

"Where will you live?"

"I'm gonna have to find a place, but it will be in LA so we will see each other all of the time"

"That's great dad! I miss you"

"It is kiddo, go back to studying now, ok? I love you"

"I love you too dad, see you soon, right?"

"Right, we will see each other soon"

He sat on the bunk holding the phone in his right hand. His daughter's excitement was infectious, he missed her so much, the short visits weren't enough. No matter what, he would make the best of moving to LA.

* * *

Things were slowly moving along, he found a realtor to handle the house and his mother promised to keep an eye on her for him. He found a place to stay in LA until he's settled. Gil's reaction was similar to Zara's. He was happy not to be so far away from his father, a few hours drive was better than a few hours flight. Nick promised that they would figure things out once they are both in California.

During that time Nick tried to visit Amanda as much as he could but they always kept the conversation on the lighter side or talking about work. At her end, Amanda was doing her best to say she was feeling fine, not sharing much about the state of her leg, the doctors kept on postponing the surgery and she was feeling kinda lousy, emotionally and physically. A part of her didn't want Nick to be concerned with it, not when he had the move on his mind.

"You brought me anything good?" she smiled at him when he came by one evening, he had promised to bring her some takeout.

"A sandwich from the deli you like" he placed a paper bag on her bed.

"Too bad I can't eat it" she grinned.

"What are you talking about? I waited in line to get it" he raised one eyebrow mockingly.

"I'm finally having the surgery tomorrow, so I can't eat anything" she grabbed the bag and handed it back to him "so here, I have some dinner for you"

"You're still in pain?"

"Nothing I can't handle"

She hated being stuck at the hospital and even though she tried to pretend everything was fine Nick knew it wasn't exactly the case. He could see the pain she's been trying to hide every time she got out of the bed. Walking seemed excruciating for her so she used the wheelchair instead.

LA never came up, every time he was there he couldn't say a word about it, not when she was so low.

They pretended as if nothing was going on, as if he wasn't packing up his things, as if he hasn't spent a few days there, meeting the people in his soon to be new squad.

As if he wasn't flying there in two days for good.

"Why don't I bring you something tomorrow then?"

"Sounds like a good idea, surprise me, ok?"

"I will"

* * *

Amanda knew very well Nick was leaving. Nick may have been quiet about the move but Fin wasn't, neither was Carisi.

Carisi has been pretty shocked about it and chewed her ear off, she mostly nodded, not just because he didn't give her a chance to talk, but she wasn't sure what to say.

Amanda had a lot of time to think, she's been hospitalized for a week and a half now, bored out of her mind most of the time. So she was overthinking things, and Nick's departure was the worst thought, it hurt almost as bad as her leg. Amanda didn't mind ignoring it. She was kind of glad they were dodging the subject, pretending it wasn't going to happen. Even today.

She saw him walking towards her holding a plastic bag this time.

"How did it go?" he asked about the surgery.

"Fine, I think they will even let me out of here at some point"

"Maybe they just like having you here" he suggested.

"Doubt it, I'm not the easiest patient"

"That's not hard to believe" he was only joking, or half joking maybe.

"Thanks a lot" she laughed "give me my food"

"Hope you're gonna be surprised" he gave her the bag.

"Hamburgers?" she raised her eyes at him.

"You can eat that, right? I haven't had dinner yet so I hope you don't mind I got one for myself too"

"Not at all, why don't you roll the dining table over here" she gestured at the small plastic table by the window.

After they were done eating and talking about burgers, Nick cleaned up a bit and sat down on the bed beside her. He usually sat on the not too comfortable chair, but it was time and he wanted to be closer to her for this conversation.

This long overdue conversation…they were looking into each other's eyes and he knew she knew he was leaving tomorrow. But what was he supposed to say? She couldn't fly anywhere, recovery was going to take time and it wouldn't be easy, she would need a lot of support, not trying to settle in another state. How could he even think about asking her to go with him in her condition?

It was too late.

"Amanda…" he placed his palm over her hand, he was in a complete loss of words, like every language seized to exist, he looked into her eyes, he couldn't ask her to go with him, he couldn't tell her he loved her, it would serve no purpose, you can't confess your feelings to someone when you're about to leave.

So he didn't say a word.

"It's alright…" she gave him a slight nod, afraid to add anything so she wouldn't cry. There was nothing that could ease the aching in her heart, she was used to people leaving, but something about this farewell was different. Nick was leaving to be with his children, he was doing the right thing for them, this is what a parent should do, has to do. Amanda looked at him as if she was studying his features, memorizing his chin, his cheekbones, his eyelashes even. She hated being so sentimental, so vulnerable. How did she manage to fall in love with him? How could she not?

They remained like this, saying goodbye with their eyes, with that slight touch. Neither had the right words, and even if any of them would have something to say what difference would it make? The silence was comforting, or at least not so painful.

Their fingers intertwined as if they had a mind of their own, letting the body take over while reason kept them apart. But this wasn't enough, how could it be when it was about to end?

Nick let go of her hand a while later, no matter how much longer he would have stayed there, it would be too soon. He was about to turn and walk out of the door, his feet felt heavy, he was really leaving, he wasn't going to visit her tomorrow, or the next day.

Nick stopped and returned to her, he leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead. This was their goodbye.


	9. Chapter 9

_Sorry it took so long to update, I've been a little busy but I'm going to update the next chapter soon. _

_So this is the first episode of the spin-off and I hope you'll like it._

* * *

Leaving New York behind, during his flight to LA, all the words came rushing in like a waterfall of letters and syllables, everything that had been lost during Amanda and his parting was now right there, staring back at him through the Plexiglas window. The view from the airplane wasn't of land or water but of sentences.

_I'm going to miss you…would you ever consider moving to California…I love you…_

All of these lines, and other paraphrases, were gliding next to the aircraft leaving Nick with nothing but regrets.

As Nick walked out of the airport, greeted by the warm air, he knew that he would just have to add them to the other things he's been feeling guilty for and go on with this chapter of his life, somehow.

* * *

"Give me a few minutes" Abigail said.

They were at the hospital interviewing a victim. Just one month after moving to narcotics he had a case that involved sex crimes and after helping them he was transferred yet again. He was partnered with Abigail Adler who was a young and enthusiastic detective. They've been working together for a few months now and they were getting along. Nick liked working with her, she was very calm and not complicated, she had a normal family who never showed up in the squad room messing things up for her.

"You're going to have a chat with the doctor?" he looked up at her with a mocking expression "you know that everybody knows about the two of you"

"Why wouldn't they?" Abigail asked "you're the only one who thinks it's a secret, I'll be right back" she smiled and walked down the hall. She's been dating one of the doctors they worked with, apparently she wasn't trying to hide it like Nick had been thinking for a while.

"Why would I hide it?" she asked him in the car "it's not wrong, we like each other, you do know how that feels like, right? Maybe you've forgotten"

Nick didn't answer, he liked Abigail but he didn't share too much of his personal life with her. Yes, she knew about his kids and the fact he was divorced but that was all.

"Do you want me to ask him to set you up on a date?" her eyes lit up like it was the greatest idea she'd come up with "I'm sure he knows someone great from the hospital, what do you say?"

"I say no" he gave her a stern look "and I mean it!"

"Come on Nick! It's a waste of good genes" she giggled.

"You do remember I have two kids, right?" they walked out of the hospital towards the car.

"And they are both great, right? I haven't gotten you wrong about them?"

"Listen" he stopped and looked at her "let it go, ok?"

"Ok, I won't mention it again unless you ask me"

"Thank you" another thing he liked about her was that she meant it, she didn't like to nag.

Nick spent his free time with Zara, after such a long time not living in the same house with her, he'd almost forgotten how it feels to be close to her. They'd meet almost every other day and have dinner. He loved spending time with her and this made the whole move worth it.

His first months in LA were crazy, finding a place to live and learning the quirks of the LAPD. He didn't really keep in touch with his old squad in New York. There were nights he's lie awake in his bed and stared at Amanda's number, he thought about calling her but what would they talk about? He was scared to hear her voice, afraid it would hurt, because he still missed her and even though he was busy with work and his daughter, it felt like a part of him was missing.

But Nick has been through a lot and he was mostly a practical man, what good would it do to talk to her? To find out what she's been doing? It's not like they could meet. So he just placed the phone on the bedside table and closed his eyes, scraping the plan.

One evening his finger slipped and hit the 'call' button, but it went straight to voicemail. Nick didn't leave a message.

* * *

Nick flew to New York in July to help Gil and Cynthia with packing. Gil was so excited knowing he'd see his father and Nick was happy about it too. He planned to drive to San Diego with Zara once in a while and spend the weekend with both of them like they used to do before Zara moved to LA. His mother was happy to see him and he thought he'd go visit the station.

He wondered how it would feel to lay his eyes on her. See that smile of hers, maybe she'd give him a snarky one, or a really happy one. He could almost see her eyes, feel her looking at him. It was just in his imagination and still he felt the electricity run through his body, he wanted to see her.

"Look who it is" Carisi stood up, he had a big smile and extended his hand.

"How are you Carisi?" Nick shook his hand.

"No complaints" he nodded "how's California?"

"Not bad" Nick chuckled "where is everyone?" the first thing he'd noticed was that Amanda wasn't there.

"Fin and Benson are in court, it's a big case so they will be there for the entire day" he explained.

"I see" he tried to sound casual "and Rollins?"

"Rollins?" Carisi gave him a puzzled look "you don't know?"

Nick shook his head, he didn't like the look in the other man's eyes.

"Well, she left" he said.

"Left?" Nick repeated "really? Why?" he tried hard to control his voice.

"Her leg" Carisi shrugged.

"What are you talking about? I thought after the surgery she was fine"

"As if you don't know Rollins, she was pretending everything's fine when it wasn't, it was more damaged than she wanted to admit and after a while I guess it was too hard on her, she hasn't really been in touch, I guess she's too upset"

Nick was shocked, he looked at Carisi as if he expected him to admit it was all a joke. Why would Amanda tell him she was doing fine when she wasn't? But then again, why would she tell him the truth? He was leaving, and Carisi was right, Amanda wouldn't want to bother him with this.

He hurried to her apartment, he wanted to see her. His call went straight to voicemail again so he wasn't sure she'd be there. Nick still walked into the building and knocked on the door.

A man opened the door "yeah?" he seemed to be in his thirties, tall and thin wearing jeans and a plain T-shirt. Nick didn't like him already, was this the guy she's been seeing? Not that he had a say in it, but it still hurt.

"I am looking for Amanda Rollins" Nick said.

"Amanda Rollins?" the tall guy asked and Nick was relieved he didn't know her "oh! You mean the chick that used to live here before me…as you can see she doesn't live here anymore"

"She left?"

"She must have, cause I'm not looking for a roommate" he shut the door in Nick's face and staring at it he realized Amanda was gone, he had no idea where she could be. Was she in trouble? She hated feeling useless, and if her leg was really damaged she probably couldn't even jog, something she liked.

He met Olivia and Fin for dinner later that day and he casually mentioned Amanda, he didn't mention he went to her apartment but did tell them Carisi's story. To his horror they confirmed it and told him she had left.

Nick went back to work with a heavier heart, before this visit he at least had the possibility of talking to her, but now her phone was always turned off, he'd tried to call almost every day. Abigail asked him if everything was fine, she knew he went to New York to see his son and help him with the move, but he came back looking completely unraveled. It didn't surprise her when he said he was fine, she didn't want to meddle and let it go.

A few days later Nick gave up on calling. He tried to focus on work and on his kids. Maybe this was for the best, maybe not knowing where she was meant he could let her go, he hoped someday he would believe it.

* * *

It was Sunday and Nick said goodbye to Gil, they'd spent the weekend together and Nick had to drive back to LA.

"Next time I'll bring Zara with me, ok?" Nick gave his son a hug.

"Cool, I'll see you dad" he waved as Nick walked to his car.

It was a long drive but Nick never complained about it. He just appreciated being closer to his children. After about an hour of driving he heard a weird noise, it was coming from the engine, something was wrong. He stopped by the side of the road and knew there was no way for him to make it to LA, he couldn't fix it either. There was a sign not far from him pointing to the direction of a place called 'Aramile' he used his phone to see if there was a garage there, he called the number and the guy who answered promised to be there soon.

"Well" the guy looked under the hood "I'm gonna have to tow it to the garage, but the good news is that it won't take too long to fix, few hours. Hop in, I'll drive you to the town" Nick got into the tow truck thinking that a few hours was a long time.

It was a fifteen minute drive and after they'd arrived Nick asked if there was anywhere he could grab something to eat, if he had to spend time there at least he'd eat something.

"The closest place is the bar, twenty minutes that way" he pointed at the direction "there's a coffee place but it's further away, I'll call you when I'm done"

"Thank you" Nick nodded at him and walked towards the bar. The garage was just outside of the town and Nick slowly walked to the direction of the bar. He wasn't in a mood for sight seeing so sitting and eating somewhere in that bar was probably the best option. He got there after about twenty minutes, it didn't seem to have a name, there was a sign with the word 'bar' on it.

It was almost empty, two men were sitting in one of the corners talking quietly, they didn't bother looking at Nick even though the door made a sound when he opened it. There was another man, sitting by the bar with a drink in his hand. He did look at Nick and gave him a nod as he sat down on the other side.

Nick wondered whether he should have gone to that coffee place the mechanic mentioned. There was something sketchy about this place, maybe it was just his imagination, he only wanted something to eat.

But there was no bartender and Nick couldn't see the kitchen.

"You need help?" the man looked at Nick, he seemed to be in his late fifties, had gray hair and dark eyes.

"Is there anything good to eat in this place?" Nick asked.

"You're not from here, right?"

"Just a visitor" Nick wasn't really interested in chit chat but he figured the man could at least tell him who could take an order.

"They have a decent hamburger" he took a sip of his drink "unless you're into fancy food, cause they don't have that here"

"Hamburger sounds fine" Nick looked around, the two men were still focused on their conversation "so do I make it myself?" there was still no one at the bar.

"Ha!" the man laughed raising his glass "hey Sherry" he called "there's a hungry man in here"

Nick heard a sound coming from a room in the back, like someone was rearranging or lifting something.

There were light footsteps and then Sherry showed up. She was wearing a simple blue dress that ended right before her knees, it had short sleeves revealing her arms. her hair was up in a messy bun. Nick thought she was so beautiful, he realized his heart started beating faster. She was just so gorgeous.

It wasn't just her beauty that made him feel completely numb in that moment, it was the fact that this wasn't Sherry.

It was Amanda.


	10. Chapter 10

_After reading your reviews I have to wonder if my spin off is going to become a reality (wishful thinking…)_

* * *

It was Amanda.

She looked exactly the same but there was something different about her, whatever it was, he couldn't define it. But there was absolutely no doubt in his mind it was her.

Amanda.

She walked to the bar and he didn't detect a limp or anything that could point on damage to her leg. She seemed fine.

Then she saw him.

Her eyes met his and it felt like being struck by lightning. Nick had never experienced anything like this, but seeing that familiar blue, being so close to her and yet so far, Why did that man call her Sherry? It felt like being punched in the gut, he was in shock and could not move, remained planted on the stool just staring at her.

"Can I help you?" she asked it without a shred of uncertainty in her voice, as if this was normal.

Nick's mind went blank and it took everything he had to nod "yeah" he replied, not sure how he was keeping his voice calm when all he wanted to do was jump over the counter and first give her a hug followed by many questions "I heard the hamburger is decent"

"Alright" she disappeared again, probably to the kitchen.

Nick felt the need to breathe some fresh air and he slowly got up, afraid to lose his balance. But finally both of his feet were on the floor and he walked to the door.

Once he was outside Nick leaned on the wall and took a few deep breaths. What was going on? He started walking along the wall, his mind was all over the place, he couldn't form a coherent thought, it was just too unreal. Amanda was in California, not that far from him, how long has she been living here? But she didn't reach out, didn't call, nothing.

Nick heard something, sounded like a door being shut and he hurried to the direction it came from. He stayed hidden behind a wall but peeked just enough to see what's going on. Amanda was outside, she was looking straight ahead, not turning her head to look at his direction, and just like Nick did a few minutes ago she leaned on the wall. She messed her hair even more by running her hand through it. She looked a little stressed and Nick asked himself if seeing him had this effect on her, she probably didn't expect him to show up, there was no reason for him to be in Aramile, he wouldn't have set foot in this town if it wasn't for the car breaking down.

Amanda didn't stay outside for much longer, just a couple of seconds later she walked back through the door. Nick watched as it closed behind her. He wanted them to talk, maybe she'd give him some answers.

He walked back inside and sat down, waiting for Amanda to come back.

"So what are you doing here?" the man asked Nick, he was holding the glass which was full again.

"My car broke down" Nick replied.

"Tough luck, I'm sure they'll fix it soon" he raised the glass as if he was drinking for that.

Nick didn't get a chance to respond because Amanda showed up with the food.

"Thank you" he looked straight into her eyes when he said it, not even in his wildest dreams he'd think that Amanda Rollins would be serving him food in a bar. But still, this was in no way funny, because he had no idea what's going on and he hated that.

He tried not to stare at her too much, she was walking around rearranging things, talking to the man who'd recommended the burger, not that Nick could taste anything, he was too distracted.

The other two men who were sitting at a table asked her to bring them some beers and she walked over there with two bottles.

This was probably the most surreal thing Nick had ever experienced. He listened as they thanked her, calling her Sherry, flirting a little. A part of him wanted to jump off of the chair and shut them up. She got back behind the bar and gave him a quick look.

"What do you say?" they both turned to look at the man "it's good, right? Josh can cook, that's for sure, ha Sherry?"

"Sure can" she smiled, but it wasn't directed at Nick.

The man was about to speak when the door opened and two guys walked in.

"Sherry!" one of them called "you just get more beautiful with everyday that goes by" he walked behind the bar and Amanda took a step back, she didn't seem to be afraid of him, but she gave Nick another quick look, as if to tell him to stay out of this.

"Always the gentleman, ha Pete?" there was no doubt the old man's tone was filled with nothing but sarcasm.

"Shut up old man" Pete looked at him "I'm just giving the lady a compliment, a much deserved one" he turned his head to Amanda when he said the last part.

"What do you want Pete?" she asked him.

"Came here to see Josh" he moved a little further "and I never miss a chance to see your pretty face"

"Just go to the kitchen" she didn't budge as he disappeared, not without winking at her.

Pete's companion followed him in silence.

"Jerk" the old man muttered and took a few sips of his drink, emptying it.

There were noises coming out of the back room but Nick couldn't hear clearly. Amanda took the empty glass and placed it under the counter.

Somehow Nick had managed to finish the food without even noticing it. He wasn't even sure how long he's been sitting there but each passing moment was making it harder for him to just stare at the scene that's been unfolding in front of him. Maybe this is a dream? Maybe he just misses her so much that he now has dreams about her. He'd rather have different dreams, ones where she is Amanda, where no one calls her by a different name, giving her compliments in a creepy way.

Pete and his friend walked back a short time later. Pete placed something in his pocket and gave Amanda a wide smile before leaving.

It seemed to Nick that a silence has fallen on the bar, covering it like a blanket. He heard a few chairs moving and turned to see the other two men getting up and leaving money on the table. One of them waved at Amanda and she smiled at him.

Suddenly a ringing noise disturbed the bizarre atmosphere. Amanda and the man looked at him, it was his phone.

"Yeah?" he answered, it was the mechanic, calling to let him know fixing the car took less time then he had expected and told him he's welcomed to pick it up. Nick said he'd be there soon. As he placed the phone on the counter he knew he had to leave, but how could he leave like that? Without talking to her? Without saying anything?

Like when she was at the hospital and he could do anything but stare? No, he had to get some answers, to understand.

"Well, my car's fixed" he looked at the man, intentionally avoiding eye contact with Amanda.

"And you didn't have to be stuck here for too long…" the man said.

"It wasn't that bad" Nick smiled at him as he took out his wallet, he took a few bills and placed them by the plate. He figured she wouldn't talk to him with somebody else standing next to them, and even if the old man leaves, the cook was in the kitchen.

"Thank you" he looked at her and quickly walking away, leaving the phone behind.

He walked outside and took a few steps away from the bar and looked around to see if there was someone nearby. But there was no one and Nick decided to wait, he hoped Amanda wouldn't ignore his sign.

A few minutes later Nick was getting restless, maybe she didn't want to talk to him? Should he just go back and grab the phone? He can't really go back to LA without him. But just when Nick was about to go back inside the door opened and she emerged.

He watched as Amanda walked in his direction. Maybe all these long months he's been missing her took their toll but he was mesmerized, didn't take his eyes off of her as she moved closer.

She handed him the phone and his fingers, very much intentionally, grazed hers.

He waited for her to talk first, but he was willing to run after her if she wasn't going to speak.

"Your car really broke down?" she asked.

"I was driving back from San Diego" he nodded. She didn't reply to that, she looked away and Nick followed her gaze with his eyes

"Your leg seems to be fine" it came out harsher than he meant, but he had trouble controlling his tone, especially when all he wanted to do was to ask her what the hell was going on.

"You really better go and just…" she let out a puff of air "just go ok?"

Nick was not expecting that, for a moment he feared he might faint as he felt the blood draining from his face, but he remained standing.

"No…" he started but she raised her hand, almost touching him and he craved for her to do just that.

"You shouldn't be here Nick" she turned away and hurried back into the bar, leaving Nick standing there.

He was going to walk away, but he didn't promise not to be back.


	11. Chapter 11

_Fair warning, because this fic is a "spin-off" when the time comes it will have an open ending (but not a cliffhanger) so it could continue in my imagination with cases and all kinds of storylines. _

_Truth is, I'd been planning to write this as an AU where Nick does move to LA at the end of season 15 but I decided to try and follow the show. But since the show has been really boring, I'm writing my own._

* * *

Nick walked into the squad room on Monday looking very tired. He didn't get much sleep, staying awake thinking about Amanda and whatever she was doing. Whenever he closed his eyes she would appear in from of him so he just kept his eyes open and decided to distract himself with the TV. But the pictures and sounds that came out of the screen did nothing to help him. Nick ended up falling asleep for two hours and the tiredness was written all other his face.

"What happened to you?" Abigail asked as he sat down.

"What?" he didn't hear her and only noticed her staring after a few seconds.

"Are you ok? You don't look so good"

"I'm fine" he said but she clearly didn't believe him.

"Yeah, ok" she chuckled "maybe make up an excuse if you want the captain to buy it"

"Thanks for the advise" he didn't feel like talking and his tone made that clear.

Abigail left him alone, he was clearly unhappy. She liked working with Nick, he had a lot of experience and he was generally a nice guy. But she knew he had gotten himself into trouble back in New York, even being arrested. He kept that to himself, just like a lot of other things. She knew he has two kids and had met Zara a couple of times.

She sometimes wondered what was really his story, the other day when she asked him if he wanted her to set him up with someone, the way Nick declined the offer…there was something behind that 'no', it had nothing to do with his ex-wife, she heard them argue over the phone more than once and it was clear there were no feelings there.

She wouldn't have given it a second thought if Nick tried to have a normal life, the only thing he did out of work was spend time with his daughter and with his son, now that he moved to San Diego. But it was like he had nothing except for that, like he didn't try to do something for himself. First she thought it was hard for him to find his place in LA, moving so far away was never easy.

But it seemed to her he might be missing something, but his 'no' could mean it was _someone_ he's been missing.

But Abigail wasn't going to meddle, he clearly didn't want to share and she had other things to investigate.

* * *

Nick's been somewhere else the entire day, it was getting late and they still had to wait for some lab results. He knew very well Abigail had to cover for him today, making calls, updating the captain. He really had to make it up to her so he tried to snap out of it and contribute.

But he was mostly thinking about Amanda, he wanted to go there, to see her and…

"Nick?" he heard Abigail call him "maybe you should go" she gave him a worried look.

"No, I'm fine" he insisted.

"I get that something's going on, whatever it is I think you better go handle it before…you screw up"

Nick could argue, but why would he? She was right, he had to go there and clear things up "ok" he said as he stood up "I'm sorry for today" he said before leaving.

Abigail watched as he walked out of the room, she hoped he could fix whatever it was.

* * *

It took Nick almost two hours to get to Aramile and it was already after midnight when he did. The streets seemed to be empty but there was still light in the bar. Nick parked not too close, there were no cars next to the bar and he didn't want his to stand out. He had no idea if she'd even be there but he had to try.

* * *

Amanda was looking through things in the kitchen when she heard a sound. The place was closed, no one was supposed to be there. When she first got there Amanda made sure the door would creak whenever someone opened it, this meant no one could make a surprise visit while she was there alone. She really hoped it wasn't Pete, she didn't feel like dealing with him right now.

Amanda quietly walked out of the kitchen to the bar area and saw Nick.

She told him to leave, what was he doing there? Of course, Amanda knew Nick had some stalkerish tendencies, and he was probably confused about this. She really should have known he'd be back.

"Nick" she called him "what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you" He said once he was in front of her, it sounded like the most obvious thing in the world. He wanted to see her so he came by, drove two hours, not knowing what to expect.

"You really shouldn't be here"

"I just…needed to see you Amanda" this was the first time he said her name out loud for a long time.

She turned away and he followed her to another room. It had some supplies but no liquor. Nick allowed his eyes to wander, she was wearing a light green dress, it was the same length as the one from yesterday but this one was sleeveless and had buttons on the back. Her hair was down and he smiled, thinking she looked kinda causal, like she was going to a movie or something, as if everything was normal.

"What?" she asked seeing his grin.

"Nothing, I just don't know what to say" he shrugged "you know, I was in New York in July and Carisi told me you left because your leg was in bad shape"

"Maybe you shouldn't listen to Carisi too much" she rolled her eyes a bit.

"Then tell me the truth" he said "what are you doing here?"

"What do you think I'm doing here?" she wanted to hear his answer, sometimes Nick could be blinded by his suspicion so he would not see anything else, like it was everything or nothing. What was he thinking about her being here?

"I don't know" his voice sounded like it was about to crack "all I can think about is that you're here, and I can't even…think" he couldn't even explain it "when I left I thought I'd never see you again and I hated it, but I had to go, I wanted to talk to you so many times but I couldn't hear your voice cause it would be too much, because I can't get everything, I can't have my kids here and you in New York" he stopped to take a few breaths "but then…you are here" he chuckled "and I want to ask you so many things but most of all I just want to…You know, I wanted so bad to ask you to come here with me, but you were shot and I couldn't ask you to leave everything behind, not when you needed to recover, I couldn't just say come to California with me"

Amanda features softened and she spoke calmly "I wouldn't have said no" she bit her lip "I don't know what I would have told you but let's face it, I didn't have anything in New York, just the job and that's not too much"

Nick did not say anything else, he was tired of talking, she was standing so close to him and it was like something pulled him towards her. He let his lips brush up against hers and then he kissed her. It wasn't soft or slow, it was heated and messy.

It was more than lust, it was pure need, like he would disappear if his lips leave her body, he felt it coming from her as well, like she felt the same about him, kissing him as it was keeping her alive. Nick pushed her up against a wall and she let out a gasp. They didn't let go of each other, letting their bodies take over.

Her hands were suddenly all over his back, moving under his shirt. The moment her fingers grazed his skin Nick wasn't sure he'd be able to stand. His right hand moved lower, reaching to the hem of her dress and slowly raising it, placing his hand above her knee and moving up, feeling her warm skin.

All of the sudden Amanda pulled away and Nick took a few steps back. They were both out of breath and looked at opposite directions as they tried to calm their hearts down and rearrange their clothes.

"I'm sorry" he said, feeling guilty for kissing her like that with no warning, but it felt so damn good he wanted to do it again.

From the way Amanda was looking at him he couldn't tell if she was going to get mad or kiss him.

"Shit Nick" she whispered and ran her fingers through her hair "I…"

"I can't just walk away" he said.

"I can't…" she moved towards him again "Nick, this is a deep cover operation" she decided to tell him the truth "you can't show up here, at all, it could be dangerous for you, for me"

"What?" he frowned, it was the only word he was able to let out.

"I can't talk about this" she said "I shouldn't have said that but please, you need to go, and give me your word you won't show up here, ok?"

"Ok" he nodded, hating everything about this promise.

Nick walked out of the room and headed outside to leave the town. Amanda heard the familiar sound of the door closing. She leaned on the wall and tried to hold back the tears.

She couldn't stop him, he wasn't supposed to be there and Amanda knew he won't come back, she could see it in his eyes. But she wanted to see him again, to kiss him like that again. Maybe she could figure something out?


	12. Chapter 12

_With all the rumors going around I feel kinda guilty about this fic. I started writing it before I heard any of them because I was upset with this season and I wanted better than this for the actors (so I gave them their own show where they actually have a storyline and not just a few lines)._

_Sorry it's shorter, I will update soon._

* * *

Amanda was sitting in one of the back rows in the movie theater. The movie had started fifteen minutes ago but she wasn't really paying attention, the characters on the screen were arguing about something and Amanda heard a few laughs coming from some of other viewers.

"Popcorn?" a box appeared in front of her and she looked at the man who sat down on the closest seat.

"No thanks" she whispered and he took some himself.

"How's it going?" he asked quietly.

"Not too bad" she looked around a bit and then reached for her bag. Amanda took out an envelope and handed it to the man. He took it without saying anything and hid it in the inner pocket of his jacket.

"Here" he gave her the popcorn "enjoy the rest of this" he was gone only a few seconds later.

Amanda had to stay and watch the rest of the movie. It was a romantic comedy, but Amanda didn't find it funny and the romance…well, all these movies seemed the same to her, with their stupid happy endings, the main characters getting together by the end. She hated being cynical, she wanted to believe love can overcome everything. Amanda tried to think so, she tried to trust people, but how did that work out for her?

She trusted Nate, even before the first time they'd slept together, he was her sponsor and she believed in the program so she believed in him. She trusted him even after they had sex that night, she chose to ignore the signs, told herself not to get paranoid. But she should have been. She lost faith in herself after that, how could she be so stupid? She turned to gambling and it was worse this time, but that's something she'd learned in GA – when you fall back – you fall harder. A little ironic, she thought, cause you also _fall_ in love. Not that she loved Nate, but it was a possibility, she wanted to believe she could have that.

But then it was Murphy who brought back her belief. In one of her darkest moments, because if she did this for Kim why wouldn't she do it to save herself? For some reason Murphy believed in her, he didn't have too, he didn't need her and could have easily used her like Patton did. But he gave her a chance and even though the operation had some very negative results, not only for Amanda, she felt like she got a piece of herself back.

And then Nick…Nick who drove her crazy, who went to a meeting to spy after Nate, Nick who she was so mad at, who she couldn't stand sometimes, Nick who cared, even though he had a weird way of showing it sometimes.

They slept together and it was definitely _something_, till this day she couldn't exactly retrace the steps that lead to them spending a night between her sheets. But no matter how wrong it may have seemed, it felt good and that's what they both wanted. Leaving all the complications and consequences outside they'd make each other feel good under her covers. They were friends out of bed and in it they were…lovers? She hated that word, it wasn't about love, it was about pleasure and distraction, nothing wrong with that.

Amanda convinced herself there was still nothing wrong with that when she started missing him, not just because she wanted to feel his body next to hers. It was fine when she watched as he slept one night when she had a hard time falling asleep, she could imagine him sleeping in her bed like that every night and waking up next to him every morning…the thought scared her so much she almost woke him up to make him leave. But she spared him and walked into the living room to watch TV. She ended up falling asleep there and the following day he asked if he bothered her "I know I don't snore!" he said and she laughed, she knew that too.

She didn't mention any of this to Nick, and at some point it got easier because she got used to feeling this way. But in order to hide it Amanda started sharing less with him, kept on answering 'fine' whenever he asked her how she's been doing. Not that he was very talkative, he answered 'ok' when she asked him that same question.

It was hard not to be able to talk to him, especially when she really needed to talk to someone, she was thinking more and more about her past but tried to push it away. They were growing apart without being together.

She couldn't keep it in forever, and it all came out in a burst of rage directed at Nick.

It wasn't fair to him, but she wasn't thinking about fairness then. She was just angry, upset… she was so many things and she needed a break. Not that she got one, what she did get was a chance to relive her past when Patton showed up in New York. As painful as it was things were finally out, the entire squad found out about it, even Nick.

Somehow, all of her hiding things ended up with everyone knowing. Amanda wasn't thrilled about her secret being out, but it also meant not having to hide anything.

It was a turning point for Nick and her. They didn't jump to bed, they were rebuilding their friendship and neither wanted to jeopardize that. But those damn feelings were resurfacing and it was completely different now.

Until he moved to California.

* * *

Amanda parked the car but stayed inside, watching the house. She was not supposed to be there but a part of her felt like she had to. Like she had to see him again, why did he have to show up out of nowhere?

When his lips were on hers and his hand climbed up her thigh it was like she was being set on fire and did not want to be put out. She didn't want to think, she wanted to forget she wasn't Amanda in that bar, she wanted to forget this was dangerous, she wanted him to continue, to feel his tongue and fingers travel all over her skin and she wanted to do exactly the same to him.

But Amanda knew better and stopped him, stopped herself. She told him, she just couldn't lie. So Amanda told him that it was a UC without elaborating. It was enough to make him leave which is what she needed him to do.

So why was she sitting in front of his house waiting for him to return?


	13. Chapter 13

_I mentioned in a previous chapter that this fic will have an open ending…and this is it. Whatever happens I'm pretending Nick is in LA, waiting for Amanda to join (hopefully we're not _Surrendering Nick)_. _

* * *

Nick walked out of his car and slammed the door. He really wanted to do that again, harder this time, let out some of his frustration, but he should probably wait until he gets to the gym and punches the anger away. The last couple of days were too much, finding out Amanda was in California but he couldn't see her, she was undercover. Must be something serious if she moved so far away…but so close to him.

Not that it really mattered, he couldn't go there and endanger the operation. So it's gonna have to be just like before he had found her again, no talking, no knowing how she's doing, no contact. But damn it, he wanted to see her again.

Nick was about to unlocked the door when he heard footsteps moving towards him. He turned around and dropped the keys. She was there.

He kneeled down to pick up the keys without taking his eyes off of her "hey…" he slowly stood up, not sure what else to say.

"Can we talk inside?" Amanda could see he was confused and she couldn't blame him.

"Ok" this time he was able to unlock the door and gestured her to walk inside.

Amanda looked around a bit, the first thing she noticed was that it was somewhat sad. The place was tidy, everything in its place, but she could feel a dreariness, as if something was missing. Nick could tell she was checking out the living room and wondered what was on her mind.

"Your place looks nice" she lied.

"Hope you're not planning a career in interior design" he chuckled "then again, never though you'd be a bartender"

She smiled, he couldn't hide that hint of mockery in his voice but she ignored it "I know this is…weird" Nick didn't respond "but I wanted to talk to you because…" why did she want to do that? "Because…I wanted to explain…"

"You don't owe me that" he said.

"I don't" she nodded "and I shouldn't be here but when you showed up, I didn't want to leave things like that"

"Ok" he almost whispered and crossed his arms.

"After you left it wasn't easy for me..."

* * *

Nick leaned down and placed a kiss on Amanda's forehead. He walked away and she knew this was their goodbye. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, it wasn't late, she wasn't tired, but she just wanted to be somewhere else. The hospital bed got even more uncomfortable and Amanda hated the thought of having to stay there any longer, not that she had a choice.

But Amanda was getting better, her leg was healing and she was finally released. Not that she'd been excited about sitting at home but it was better than lying in that room. Fin came by everyday and helped her out with Frannie. She tried not to think about Nick, Fin didn't mention anything about him and she didn't ask. She hated missing him.

One day a surprising visitor came by, agent Russell. He came by to visit her and she appreciated seeing someone who didn't pity her, at least not like Carisi did, she got so angry and just asked him not to show up anymore.

They talked about the case, about her getting shot. They ended up talking about her work in the NYPD and his position in the FBI. Russell was a nice guy, he was easy to talk to so somehow she let it slip that she didn't have much in New York, only the job. He asked her why she's staying and she couldn't answer, why was she staying? She moved to New York for a fresh start, to leave Atlanta behind – but she couldn't hide from it. She'd been keeping it a secret for so many years but when everything came out it didn't bring her much peace, how could it when Patton walked away so easily?

So she told Russell that as well, as if he was a good friend. After that it was easy to talk about the gambling. She didn't mention Nick though, being in love with a coworker, a former coworker now, was something nobody would know.

* * *

"So he offered it to you just like that?" Nick asked.

"It wasn't easy but you could say that, and now here I am" she didn't want to get into details, they had no time for that.

"What about Frannie?" he looked at her and she smiled softly.

"She actually lives with me, has her own undercover name, Fran, fits to the background story"

"And what about Amanda?" he pointed at her arm, the one with the tattoo. He knew she regretted having it but it was barely visible.

"It's part of it too" she nodded.

"Yeah? Sherry has a complicated past, ha?"

"She does but…it doesn't matter now" she walked over to him "don't think it was an easy decision, I can almost hear your thoughts, wondering if I've thought about it and I did, trust me, this is not about running away Nick, I ran to New York but this is about doing something greater"

"So if this is Russell's operation I guess it's about guns" Amanda nodded "and you used the leg as an excuse to leave SVU?" he remembered what Carisi had told him.

"Yes" she said "Fin knows there's more to it but I haven't told him I'm here and I know he's not gonna talk"

"You can be sure of what, I asked him"

Amanda knew she could trust Fin so it didn't surprise her that he kept it to himself.

"How long do you think it's going to be?" not the best thing to ask, she wouldn't have an answer, but he had to say it.

Amanda shrugged "I don't know, probably a long time"

"So that's what you came here to tell me? That you'll be undercover for who knows how much time?" he tried to keep a straight face during her story but he felt hurt, a part of him had hope but now…

"Yes and no…but I knew that if I didn't come here to see you I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you and what you must be thinking…"

"I'm not thinking anything" did she just say '_I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you'?_

"Good" she grinned, knowing it wasn't true, she looked at her wrist, it was getting late.

"Amanda" he knew she was about to leave but he had something to say, he regretted their silent goodbye and wasn't going to make the same mistake again "wait" he disappeared into another room and came back a minute later holding something.

"Here" he handed her a key "I want you to have this, in case you want to…come here"

Amanda looked at the key and then back at Nick while she placed it in her pocket and let out a short laugh.

"I will" she promised "when this is over maybe we could…I don't know what we're supposed to be but I'll come back and we'll try, deal?"

Amanda extended her hand and for a moment he was back at the squad room, his first day at SVU. The day they met. He had so many goals, so many expectations, and none of them came true. But this time when he grabbed her hand something was different. Nick shook her hand and pulled her closer, surprising her with a peck.

"Deal" he kissed her again, it would have to last for a while so he moved slower, allowed himself to taste her lower lip and then capture her whole mouth. His tongue grazed hers before he deepened the kiss, wanting to feel as much of her as he could. But it was still tender, soft. Nick let his hands rest on her waist, this wasn't about lust, this kiss was about his feelings, about the future he knew they'll have.

He wasn't letting her go.

* * *

Amanda left a few minutes later, she had to meet Russell in the movie theater. Before she opened the car's door Amanda turned to glance at Nick's house. She could almost see herself coming back there, unlocking the door and seeing him there. Their eyes would meet and…

She really had to leave but driving away she knew they'd see each other sooner then expected, even before the UC operation's over.

Because they're not supposed to be apart.


End file.
